


i miss you (the you who loved me)

by gudesanha



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Fluff, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, it'll be soft i swear, light angst? actual angst? who knows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 07:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gudesanha/pseuds/gudesanha
Summary: donghyuck is struggling, and no one notices. except for mark.(or in which donghyuck and mark fall in love, no matter how many times they mess up along the way.)





	i miss you (the you who loved me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which donghyuck needs someone and mark happens to be there.

   donghyuck doesn't know when it started.

   somewhere in between the sleepovers, the school dances, the teasing, the fights, and the endless conversations, donghyuck fell in love.

   with his best friend, huang renjun.

   donghyuck doesn't remember exactly when or how he fell, but he does remember realizing it. he remembers the sharp stab of jealousy in his chest when his best friend first told him about his crush on the infamous lee jeno. he remembers the loneliness he felt when, for the first time, renjun cancelled their plans and went on a date instead. he remembers the first time he lied to renjun about liking a girl in their grade because he couldn't even think about telling him the truth: that the only one donghyuck cared about was him.

   donghyuck is  _totally_  over him. (lie.)

   donghyuck isn't even upset anymore! he obviously feels nothing when he sees renjun and jeno together. (lie.)

   in fact, hyuck didn't even like boys. he was, quite possibly, the straightest one in his friend group. (definitely a lie.) 

   donghyuck told himself these lies again and again in an attempt to convince himself that huang renjun did not have his heart and he did  _not_ have these feelings, but no matter how hard he tried, nothing changed.

   but he knew one thing for sure; donghyuck felt completely alone. (truth.)

   donghyuck's friend group was relatively large, with 7 people including him, and they were definitely close. they hung out every day at lunch, studied together, had a group chat, and shared Everything with each other. however, despite all of this, donghyuck feels left out. it feels as if there was this invisible, unclimbable wall between them and himself, one that he can't even think of getting over because he can't see the top of it.

   well, he thinks, it could be worse. donghyuck knows he's being overdramatic, he  _knows_ that they try their best to love himself despite his flaws, but there is just something so different about him. 

   he realized it when he saw jisung getting upset and talking to them about everything that's bothering him. he realizes it when he sees chenle and jaemin cuddling their friends and being cheesy without a second thought. he realizes it when he sees everyone else openly feel.

   donghyuck doesn't feel too much, and he shows even less. he's known as the sharp and witty one, the one who always has a joke, the one who will tease you no matter what. 

   and after pretending to be that friend so long, that's what he is. he's become so good at pretending that he knows no one notices his sadness anymore.

   but someone does.

* * *

 

   the beginning of the end is the first day of sophomore year, and donghyuck can feel it.

   they say that the beginning of your day can determine how the rest of it goes, and today that is true. 

   unsurprisingly, donghyuck falls asleep late and doesn't sleep through the night. he barely remembers what he dreams about, but the faint things he remembers include a certain boy. donghyuck tries his hardest to forget about it.

   donghyuck managed to get another half hour of sleep before the loud ringing of his alarm sounded through his room and all hopes of sleeping in left him.

   rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, hyuck got out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. after brushing his teeth and getting ready, he left the room just as his mom yelled that she was going back to bed.

    despite the fact that it was ass o'clock in the morning and the first day of school, the group chat was active and donghyuck's phone was buzzing like no tomorrow. 

_the dreamies: 47 new messages, 6:38 a.m_

**renjunnie:** good morning everyone ! (*´꒳`*)

 **jisungpark:** weeb

 **hyuck:** why the fuck are u guys so happy

 **hyuck:** its 6 am

 **nana:** it's never too early to be happy, hyuckie! what's wrong? did you have those ~bad dreams~ again??? 

 **hyuck:** im never talking to u again bye

 **renjunnie:** aw hyuck are u ok? what dreams? (´°ω°`)

 **hyuck:** nothing jaemin just needs to shut up

 **hyuck:** im muting this bye

 **lele:** bye donghyuck :(

   donghyuck sighed and turned off of his phone. he loved jaemin, but sometimes he really needed to keep his mouth shut. donghyuck mentioned having dreams about renjun  _once_ and now jaemin won't let it drop.

   he put his phone in his pocket only to feel it buzz again. he groaned and took it back out, ready to yell at jaemin for exposing him.

_2 new messages from mark, 6:55_

**mark:** donghyuck? about what jaemin said...

 **mark:** is everything alright? you know you can talk to me, right?

    _oh,_ donghyuck thinks.  _this isn't what i expected._ he sighs again and, after a moment, he replies.

 **hyuck:** it's nothing, trust me. you know how jaemin can be sometimes

 **mark:** are you sure? hyuck, you know

 **mark:** never mind

 **hyuck:**?

 **hyuck:**  im sure mark just leave me alone

on that note, donghyuck pocketed his phone for the final time and left the house before his parents woke up. 

   donghyuck's walk to school was long (almost half an hour), but to him, it was definitely worth it. since donghyuck lived closer to the outskirts of town, every morning he could hear the birds chirping and see the sun rising. the walk was oddly calming and he loved it, even if the wind and cold air stung his cheeks and ruffled his hair.

   he was zoning out as usual when he heard someone call his name from somewhere behind him. he turned around, an annoyed look on his face, but it disappeared as soon as he saw mark running towards him. 

    "what are you doing here? isn't your house close to school?"

    mark smiled and nodded. "well, yeah, but i was staying at my friend's house and i decided to walk."

    donghyuck hummed in acknowledgement, and for a few minutes, the pair walked in silence. after thinking for a moment, mark turned to hyuck.

   "why don't you just ride with jeno to school? his house isn't far away, and it wouldn't take as long." mark glanced at donghyuck as he spoke, hands in his pockets and a thoughtful look on his face.

    donghyuck shrugged. "i don't know. ive been walking here for so long, and it's kinda peaceful. plus, it would be a little.... weird to ride with jeno."

    just as mark was about to ask what that meant, his phone buzzed and he took it out. he glanced at the bright screen and frowned.

_the dreamies: 5 new messages, 7:30_

**jeno:** where are u guys? u should've been here a while ago

 **hyuck:** why do u care

 **jeno:** chill lmao

 **mark:** im walking w donghyuck today, we're almost there 

 **jaemin:** oh yeah? ;)

 **hyuck:** whatever

   donghyuck glanced up from his phone to see mark already looked at him, a vaguely worried expression on his face. when their eyes met, mark averted his eyes, and donghyuck couldn't help but notice that his cheeks were a little more red than normal.

    in no time, they arrived at school. as soon as they walked into the large building, chenle ran towards them and clung onto mark's arm, eliciting a laugh from the older boy. donghyuck, however, was too busy looking at someone else to notice.

   there, 20 feet in front of them, stood huang renjun in all his glory. donghyuck's heart started beating fast against his will, and it felt like a whole swarm of butterflies were fluttering in his stomach.

    _i don't like him. i don't like him. i don't like him._ for some reason, donghyuck couldn't convince himself.

   after what seemed like an hour, he realized mark was saying something to him, but he had no idea what the boy was talking about.

   donghyuck gulped, trying not to seem like a lovestruck child. "w-what? sorry, i wasn't listening." mark sighed and waved off his apology just as the bell rang. they all headed off to their first hour classes, and the day began.

   first hour was torture. the teacher let them pick their own seats, so donghyuck sat with jisung and mark on either side. that was fine, of course, but renjun and jeno were ahead of them. donghyuck tried his best to focus on the lesson, but all he could see was jeno holding renjun's hand, jeno telling a joke and making him laugh, jeno being everything that donghyuck could not.

   donghyuck ended up borrowing mark's notes.

    the other classes continued like this, with renjun serving as a distraction for donghyuck in one form or another. hyuck knew that he should pay attention and he tried, but as soon as the older boy turned at smiled at him, he was completely and utterly whipped.

    it felt like no time before lunch rolled around, and donghyuck joined his friends at their usual table. they've been sitting at the old picnic table in the courtyard since sixth grade, and it practically belonged to them by now. donghyuck stared at the initials carved into the old wood and smiled nostalgically. things were so easy back then.

    he was shaken out of his reverie as his friends came over and sat down, chatting up a storm about their classes and how annoying the other kids were. jisung and chenle are already arguing about something or other, and jaemin is talking to mark about basketball tryouts. renjun and jeno sat quietly, and donghyuck couldn't miss the soft smiles on their faces and the way they held hands under the table.

    just the very sight of them made him feel sick.

    it feels like all of the jealousy and anger he keeps pent up is bubbling inside of him, and before he can tell himself that he's being stupid, that he doesn't deserve to feel this way, he knocks him milk over. right into jeno's lap.

    jeno immediately jumps up, his platinum hair bouncing and a shocked expression on his face. everyone gapes at him and hyuck, and renjun takes everyone's napkins to help his boyfriend clean up. a small part of donghyuck feels joy when he sees their hands disconnect, when he sees jeno's uncomfort. that's when donghyuck knows that jeno is better than him, that jeno is  _better_ and he always will be.

    "j-jeno, im so sorry. i didn't mean to, i swear!" (lie.)

    jeno shook his head at hyuck and smiled at hyuck. "it's okay, im not mad. don't worry." after a moment, jeno sits back down and the conversation goes back to normal. donghyuck let's out a breath he didn't know he was holding.  _thank god no one noticed._

but as soon as donghyuck glanced up and caught mark staring at him with a knowing look, he knew that the older boy was onto him. and yet, mark didn't look angry or disgusted. he looked.... sympathetic.

    donghyuck managed to break his gaze away, and he turned to join the conversation.

* * *

 

    donghyuck had a bad day. he had to deal with renjun and jeno being all soft in all of his classes, and after the incident at lunch (which, of course, wasn't his fault), mark kept giving him  _looks._ hyuck tried his best to avoid him.

     to top it all off, his parents started arguing as soon as he got home. he had no idea what they were fighting about this time, but donghyuck was sick of it. their house used to be so quiet and safe, but now donghyuck feels like he's walking on eggshells whenever he's there. he feels as if he's walking on a tightrope with no safety net, and one wrong step will end everything.

    sighing, donghyuck turned and left his house. he turned his phone on and dialed renjun's number, waiting for his best friend to pick up the phone. he kicked at the dirt as the phone beeped and he was directed to renjun's voicemail. of course, donghyuck thought. he was probably with jeno.

    he vaguely remembered chenle and jisung saying something about dance class, so he can't make plans with either of them, and he really does not want to deal with jaemin's bullshit right now. that leaves him with one option.

     mark texted him back right away. 

_2 new messages from mark, 4:11_

**hyuck:** can i come over

 **mark:** yeah sure ill come get you

 **mark:** u alright?

   donghyuck ignored the last message and waited for his friend to come pick him up. it wasn't long before mark pulled up in a new looking suv and hopped out. the older boy was still wearing his uniform, and his dark hair was flattened on one side as if he had been sleeping. a shy smile spread across his face as he reached donghyuck, and they walked together to his car.

   mark opened the door for him before getting in himself which, to donghyuck, was unnecessary. things were uncomfortably silent as they drove before mark spoke up.

    "did you and jeno fight? i mean, i seen what happened at lunch." mark tried to keep his eyes on the road as he spoke, but he couldn't help but glance at donghyuck as he spoke. donghyuck shifted in his seat and looked out the window, trying his best to avoid the question. he frowned for a moment before shrugging and shaking his head.

   the silence was getting more awkward with each passing second, so donghyuck reached over and turned the radio on. the latest twice song came on, and mark seemed to be nodding his head along to the beat.

   "aw, is our little mark a twice fan?" donghyuck couldn't resist teasing him, and the light blush that spread across mark's cheeks definitely made it worth it. mark smiled and nodded.

   "of course! but you're in no position to tease, 'cause ive seen your red velvet albums." at this, donghyuck stuck his tongue out at the boy and playfully slapped his arm. the atmosphere was noticeably lighter.

   before donghyuck could retaliate, mark pulled into his driveway and parked the car. donghyuck couldn't help but admire the older boy's house as he unbuckled and got out of the car. the multi-story house was in the center of a large yard, and a vibrant garden bordered the walkway.

   as soon as they entered the house, the thick aroma of food cooking washed over them and mark's mom greeted them, her smile growing even larger as she seen donghyuck. he knew it was selfish of him, but donghyuck  _yearned_ for a house like this, for a loving mother, for something more. for a moment, donghyuck's heart ached as he wished for a life like this.

    he is shaken out of his thoughts as mark's mom comes over and wraps him his a hug before pulling back and looking at him thoughtfully. she looks him up and down in a way that is both stern and loving, motioning with her hand for donghyuck to spin. he apparently passes her evaluation, because her face breaks out in a smile, and for a second donghyuck is stricken by how similar she is to her son. 

    "hyuckie, you've been eating well, haven't you? your skin is glowing!" she continued to fuss over him as she herded both boys into the kitchen. mark and donghyuck share a smile across the table, and for once, donghyuck feels happy.

* * *

 

    after chatting for a while, the pair head upstairs to mark's room. it was far from the first time donghyuck had been here, but the decor had changed drastically from the last time he'd been here. he remembered in seventh grade when mark went through a phase and painted his walls black, and he couldn't help but laugh.

    mark sat down on his bed and narrowed his eyes at the other boy, a playful smile on his face. "huh? what's so funny?"

    donghyuck shook his head and flopped down next to mark, sighing and closing his eyes. they stayed like that for a few minutes, with mark on his phone and donghyuck thinking. 

    donghyuck didn't know what to say. he didn't want to admit it, but he definitely wasn't as close to mark as he was it their other friends. they were inseparable in middle school, but something changed along the line. donghyuck didn't want to admit it, but he knew that the invisible divide between him and everyone else started growing as soon as he started caring about renjun and stopped caring about the rest of them.

    he must've been frowning, because mark poked him the side (harder than necessary, he might add), and rolled over to look at him. donghyuck noticed how close their faces were, and he would be a liar if he said his heart didn't speed up just a little. 

    "hyuck, are you sure you're alright?" concern shaded the boy's voice, and donghyuck could swear his soft gaze was filled with pity.

    donghyuck knew that his friend just wanted to make sure he was okay, but the small, bad side of him was fighting for control. the ugly part of donghyuck screamed that mark and his mother only cared for him out of pity, that mark knew about his crush and felt bad for him, that donghyuck just wasn't  _enough_ and mark knew it. these ugly thoughts repeated themselves over and over again until they were the only things on donghyuck's mind, and donghyuck felt the ugly part of him sink it's claws in and take over.

    he sat up as if he was shocked and turned away, fingernails digging into palms and head down. he heard mark sit up behind him, and he just knew that he was being immature and dramatic right now, but he just couldn't stop. he balled his hands into fists and turned to stare at the other boy.

    "why do you care, mark? is it because you feel bad for me? just tell me what you want." the angry, bitter voice that said these words was almost unrecognizable to him, and donghyuck regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.

    mark just stared at him, the expression on his face equal parts confused and hurt. he held his hands up as if he were trying to take a wild animal and shook his head.

    "what are you talking about? hyuck, we're best friends. i just- fuck, are you crying?"

    he tried to say that no, he wasn't crying and mark should just mind his own business, but the only thing that left his mouth was a pathetic sob. donghyuck could feel the tears running down his face and damn it, he was so embarrassed but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop crying.

    mark jumped up from his place on the opposite side of the bed and carefully approached hyuck, a shocked expression on his face. donghyuck knew that he didn't know how to respond (it had been years since they were close, after all), but all of those thoughts disappeared as mark laid a soft hand on donghyuck's cheek and wiped the tears away. he felt his face grow warm under the older boy's touch. (he told himself that his face was just flushed from crying.)

    donghyuck felt all the air leave his lungs as his friend gently wrapped his arms around him and let him cry onto his shoulder. he buried his face into mark's neck and felt his hiccupping sobs turn into great, heaving ones. mark held him and whispered comforting things, and donghyuck couldn't help but feel bad for ruining his shirt with his tears.

     it felt like hours before donghyuck had cried himself out, and he was exhausted by the time he had calmed down. he would never admit it, but donghyuck probably stayed in that position with mark for longer than necessary. in his defense, it had been so long since someone had held him like this and something about mark's arms around him just felt so  _right._

mark gently pulled away from him and broke the silence between them. "do you feel any better?" (donghyuck pretended he didn't notice the boy's shy smile and red cheeks.)

    donghyuck did something between a nod and a shrug as he untangled himself from mark and flopped down once again. he answered without making eye contact. "yeah. im tired."

    mark looked at him as if he had just asked the stupidest question ever, and donghyuck felt the energy between them get less sad and more playful. "then sleep," mark said simply, his eyes showing a soft affection that felt familiar to donghyuck. he gazed at the older boy and the way the sun from the window illuminated him from behind, faintly wondering his old best friend became so  _beautiful._

   donghyuck later blamed these thoughts on his exhaustion. never in a million years would he be attracted to mark. (lie.)

    donghyuck wiggled under the covers of the overlarge bed and pulled out his phone, sighing when he seen the missed calls and texts from his parents before sending them a quick text and pocketing his phone.

    donghyuck was quite possibly bored to death. sure, he was glad that mark was silent (he didn't want to explain what happened before), but the one thing donghyuck needed was a distraction, and he was too wound up to sleep.

    he rolled over and stared at mark once again, raising his eyebrows when he sees his friend smiling at his phone screen. "what are you smiling about?"

    donghyuck's sudden words seemed to snap mark out of his reverie. he jumped a little bit as if he had surprised him, and it took all of hyuck's self control to not tease him about it.

    "oh, it's just a friend." the answer wasn't sufficient enough for donghyuck, and he nudged mark with his foot before asking again.

    "you know sooyoung from the grade above us?" mark asked, seemingly oblivious to the way donghyuck's smile dropped into a grown and his eyebrows furrowed. mark launched into an enthusiastic one-sided conversation about how funny and nice the girl was, a blush dusted across his tanned cheeks.

   donghyuck was too distracted to listen to him. all he could think about was the familiar feeling of jealousy wrapping itself around his heart and squeezing hard.

    _it doesn't matter. he's just a friend._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i scrolled through 10 pages of japanese emoticons for this chapter and i don't even Like it  
> but u know... this isn't as bad as i thought and ill probably update as soon as possible if im feeling creative???? i have no life so  
> i hope u liked it !  
> my twt: beautyhwall


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